


like no one knows

by withoutwords



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 22:07:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21726214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withoutwords/pseuds/withoutwords
Summary: Ben's jamming the last of the cash into his pocket when Callum barges into the car lot, back from another run. He's had 20 something years of lying through his teeth, so it should be easy to fob it off as nothing. A quick job for Jay. A lucky win on the lotto.Instead, Ben stammers around nothing."I knew you'd do this," Callum says with a grinning huff, and it's the saddest Ben's ever seen him. "I knew I weren't enough."
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 5
Kudos: 138





	like no one knows

**Author's Note:**

> for gemma x
> 
> [title from billie eilish's bad guy]

Ben's jamming the last of the cash into his pocket when Callum barges into the car lot, back from another run. He's had 20 something years of lying through his teeth, so it should be easy to fob it off as nothing. A quick job for Jay. A lucky win on the lotto.

Instead, Ben stammers around nothing.

"I knew you'd do this," Callum says with a grinning huff, and it's the saddest Ben's ever seen him. "I knew I weren't enough."

"No," Ben says, and he feels angry. At himself, and his dad, and everyone who's ever been right about him. He's so weak. "It ain't like that. It was one little job, me dad needed…"

"Right, ya dad." Callum tilts his head away so Ben can't reach him, stepping back. "The same dad you told me never cared about you, was never proud of you, made you hate yaself. That dad."

"Cal."

"But me. The person who loves you. I can't compete."

Ben stops trying to grab for him, frozen in place. His mouth is dry and he can't get the words out of his throat. "You - love?"

Callum makes a disgusted noise and pulls away completely now, all but out the door. "Course I do," he says, his back turned. "I love you more than I ever loved any one, cause I'm a total idiot, ain't I? Halfway, who don't know what's good for him."

"Callum, don't do this, please."

"I didn't do anything," Callum shouts, spinning around. "You did. And what was it, huh? Theft? Fraud? Assault?"

"Please-"

"I'm learning a lot these days, I'll write a long list of all the crimes I've studied and maybe you can let me know."

"Cal - "

When the door opens again, Ben has to turn and wipe his face. It's Phil, of course it is, here to collect what Ben has for him. It's almost funny that he doesn't get it. That when he says hi to Callum, and shakes his hand, he thinks he actually has a family who respects him.

Ben wants to puke.

"So uh, just came to do business with my son," Phil tells Callum. "If ya don't mind just…"

"He does mind," Ben snaps, because if Callum walks out that door he's not sure he'll ever get him through it again. "I'll talk to ya later, dad."

"Ben - " Phil starts, the usual I-aint-hearing-this tone, but Callum cuts him off,

"No, don't. You do whatever it is you gotta - "

"I _need to talk to you_ ," Ben cries, trying to get closer but knowing that if he pushes too much he's just going to scare Callum away. 

"We've talked, there's nothing else - "

"This is important - " Phil is saying, and Ben thinks he's going to explode from all the pressure.

"Dad, _shut up_ ,"

"Ben - "

"Don't go, please - "

"What'd you say to me?"

"I said shut up!" Ben tells him, and this time it's so loud it echoes across the walls. There's silence, after, Callum and Phil looking like he just smacked them both across the face. He takes the opportunity to go to his desk and grab the things his dad wants, throwing them at his chest.

"Take it. And take this as well," he growls, pulling the cash out of his pocket and throwing that as his dad too. "I don't want it, I never wanted it, I just … I gotta prove that I can. I gotta show everyone what I am. That I ain't gonna lie down. It's not…"

Ben realises he's talking to Callum, and Callum only, getting closer to look him in the eye. He won't back away from this, he'll own it, and he'll try to fix it as much as he possibly can.

"What the hell are you saying?" Phil snaps.

"I'm saying that I will always be your son," Ben says, still looking at Callum. "But I'm Lexi's dad, and Callum's boyfriend first. Because they love me, just love, and not 'cause they think they can get something out of me."

"Ben," Phil starts, but he goes on, this time stepping closer and grabbing one of Callum's hands.

"I love you, too, you know. And you are enough. You're more than enough. You're more than I deserve."

"Ben…"

"Please don't give up. I swear it ain't who I am … I just … it's hard breaking bad habits, y'know?"

"I know," Callum says, softening and tangling their fingers together. He's mostly staring at his feet, his shoulders deflating, and it makes Ben so sad to know that he did that. Him alone.

"This is very sweet and tender," Phil says deadpan, getting his things together. "Why don't I talk to you later."

"No," Ben tells him firmly, finally looking at his dad. "You can talk all you like but I ain't changing my mind, dad. I'm out. I want out."

Phil stares him down for a long moment, his jaw tense, the way Ben learnt from him. They're mostly bark, the Mitchells. The dirty work's always left for someone else. "If that's what you want," he finally says, and they all know this isn't the end of it.

Ben doesn't care. He's never felt more sure. "It is."

When Phil goes and it's just Ben and Callum standing in the middle of the room holding hands and looking at each other - it's almost like it's all brand new.

Love. Ben thought love was yesterday's news. A letter, or photo, or story. A memory.

He didn't think it would happen again. That it would be today.

"I'm sorry. For everything."

"Yeah. Me too," Callum agrees, and Ben pulls a face.

"What for?"

" For thinking this could be an overnight thing. That you could just walk away from it all like that, no consequences. It was stupid."

"It'll happen," Ben tells him fiercely, pulling him in to wrap his arms around him. Callum buries his face in Ben's neck.

"I know, but … if ya gotta take it slow, it's alright. I can wait."

"Okay," Ben agrees, fingers digging into Callum's warm sweat shirt, the muscle of his back. Ben feels so much better, safer, himself, here in Callum's arms.

"And I'm here for ya. Always."

"I know."

**Author's Note:**

> thefancyspin.tumblr.com


End file.
